My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
I think my nap took me to another dimension
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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