Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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