ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Randomize
