so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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