I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
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