she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
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