Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
