Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
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