I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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