um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize
