College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
