Screwed.edu
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
