life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Randomize
