I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
