haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Randomize
