just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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