Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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