apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
