My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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