I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
