Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
