If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Randomize
