we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
