I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I could have mohawked her pubes.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
Swine flu is the new snow day.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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