The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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