I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Randomize
