I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
