the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
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