Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
Contrary to popular belief alot of woman do actually enjoy sucking cock.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
