I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Randomize
