I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
I didn't notice because vodka
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
