Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
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