I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
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