just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
Randomize