Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
