Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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