did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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