dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
Randomize
