Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
