Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
