Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
