Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Randomize
