I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
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