a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
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