you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
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