Apparently you make a good broom.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
