Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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