Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
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