you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
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