I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
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