I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
