I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
