I'm so fucking centered right now
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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