you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
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