def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Randomize
