Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
