Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Randomize
